David McCandless

Ten years ago, we did as we were told. If we didn’t like a dish, or a table, or a wine, and the waiter asked us if everything was alright, we’d say “Yes thank you!” in a meek voice.

Today we know what we want. We won’t stand for ignorant waiting staff, sloppy service and bad background music. In fact, we like to complain.

But complaining, like cooking, is an art. For the best results, mastery of discernment, timing and presentation is required. And, perhaps most importantly, the appropriate attitude.

See it less as complaining, more as explaining there’s a problem and giving the restaurant a chance to put things right.

Here, three leading industry insiders with the 10 most commonly encountered problems, as voted for by Olive Magazine readers, and asked them to give us a masterclass in how to handle them effectively.

The Panel
Charles Campion Author of Charles Champion’s London Restaurant Guide 2008 and critic on BBC2’s Eating with the Enemey. “Common sense is terribly important when complaining.”

Oliver Peyton Owner of seven restaurants around London and judge on BBC 2’s Great British Menu. “People need to let their opinions be heard at the time. Good restaurants appreciate fair feedback.”

Alex Polizzi, hotelier and presenter of Channel 5’s Hotel Inspectors. “I believe in that old-fashioned thing: that you eat out for the pleasure of being looked after.”

1) “A 12.5% service charge has been added to my bill but I’d rather pay what I think the service is worth.”

The recent trend for a dollop of service on the bill topped our list of complaints. It was also unanimously bashed by our expert panel. “I hate it,” says top hotelier Alex Polizzi. “I regularly ask for it to be taken off.” It’s her firm belief that tips should be reserved for service above the ordinary. “You don’t tip a shop girl for finding you the right size of pair of trousers, why should I tip a waiter just because they brought me a plate? I reward extremely good service: charming, well-informed, polite. Someone who adds to the experience.”

As a restauranteur, Oliver Peyton agrees. “You should only pay for the service you receive. I would say, ”Fine“. Absolutely no problem. How much would you like to pay?”

2) “My dish is way too salty / oily / small / hot / cold.”

An adverse reaction to the taste or texture of a dish is a common area for complaint but difficult territory for a restaurant to respond. “It’s very subjective,” says restauranteur Oliver Peyton. “I personally like a lot of salt. But Pru Leith - if there’s salt in the same room, she thinks the dish is too salty. By and large, one would automatically replace a salty dish or an oily one. But with other nuances of taste it’s quite hard. At the very least, I’d be happy to take it back to the kitchen and discuss it with chef.”

The key here though is to complain immediately in a firm and polite manner. “It’s no good getting through half the dish, then getting angry and sending it back,” he says. “Anybody who runs a restaurant wants you to leave happy. And they certainly don’t want you eating and drinking things that aren’t correct.”

Alex Polizzi is in agreement. “If one of my customer really doesn’t like the dish, I always say let me change it and give you something else.“

3) ”I’ve had to wait an hour for my table even though I made a reservation.“

“Only an hour?” says Oliver Peyton. “Hahahah. Many restaurants want you to be there, waiting. It’s part of the whole concept of keeping the restaurant full. Generally speaking a restaurants going to book a table for 2 hours, 2 hours fifteen. Plus, most customers want a good turn on their table and you can’t push them off. Expect to wait.”

The consensus seems to be that a wait up to half an hour should be accepted with grace. Anything over that and you can start a polite nudge towards recompense. “If it’s a mistake, most good restaurants will try and tidy it up for you and make you feel better with a free drink,” says Charles Campion. “But no guarantees.”

Ultimately though, if you’re waiting, the panel believe, it’s probably a good sign. “I always think: Well how badly do I want to go to this restaurant?,” says Charles. “If it’s a top place, a long wait is part of the experience. So no complaints.”

4) “My wine’s is being kept over the other side of the room. The waiter’s constant filling is distracting and an obvious ploy to get me to drink more.”

“Oh I hate that,” says Alex Polizzi. “I’m out to dinner to talk to my friends. I don’t like table interruptions. I like my wine being on a table where we can help ourselves. On the other hand, I have a lot of elderly guests who complain bitterly if they ever have to touch a wine bottle. So it’s hard to get right.”

For Charles Champion it boils down to a matter of style. “If you are at Le Gavroche where the silky service runs on oiled wheels, your glass always - by some magic - has the right amount of wine in it. However, if you’re having a jolly time at an informal dinner somewhere, and your wine bottle gets stranded five yards from you, just say: ‘Bring it over here and we’ll pour it ourselves.”

As ever, remain calm and confident, he advises. “If your wine’s getting topped up too much at the first occasion just say, ”Stop that now. Bring the wine over here and we’ll worry about when we need it.“

5) ”I don’t like this table. It’s too dark / noisy / bright / smelly.“

Everything seems perfect when you walk in. The atmosphere. The lighting. Then they plonk you down a rickety two seater, ringside of the toilet. Are you in a position to complain? Our panel thinks not.

”Generally you’ve seen the room and table before you sit,“ says Charles Campion. ”You need to get these things straight. Because after sitting, you’ve accepted them already. If you don’t like it, say ‘No thank you. I wish to sit over there.“

If the place is too busy to relocate you, you’re left with a stark choice: stay or leave. “If a restaurant is packed it’s quite likely that its quite good. So, either put up with it an enjoy the good food and go to a bad restaurant where you can be on your own.”

6) “I keep asking to tap water but the staff keep ‘forgetting’ to bring it.”

The tap water contraversy continues to rage, especially now “evil” bottled water is off the menu for eco-sensitive diners. Our panel is clear on the issue though.

“It is unforgiveable to refuse or forget tap water,” says Alex Rolizzi. “I would complain bitterly. I would make a big fuss over it.”

Charles Campion suggests staying firm and polite. “What should never happen when you ask for water is that someone leans over you and asks: still or sparkling? At this point you have to be grown up and assert your contract with the restaurant and say I should like a jug of tap water please. And stare them in the eye. Don’t be frightened.”

But what if they refuse or delay? “They shouldn’t. But if there’s any delay, you can call the manager over and say, ”Look I know it’s difficult for you but I want a jug of tap water now, please. Thank you.“

7) ”The music is too loud and definitely not to my taste.“

There are few things worse than being seated underneath a speaker blasting out chintzy lift music or, worse, tuneless world music that matches the theme of the restaurant. But can you really do anything about it?

For hotelier Alex Rolizzi, this kind of protest is a serious bugbear. ”I care enormously if someone in my restaurants doesn’t have a good time. But in general I’ve noticed many more people moan about things you can’t quite believe they’re moaning about. You know, someone doesn’t like the lighting or music in the restaurant. Honestly!“

”In an empty restaurant - early evening, first table, no buzz - obviously a bit of music will take the edge off,“ says Charles Campion. ”But remember there’s a dial somewhere behind the bar, and if you really don’t like it, call the manager over and ask him to turn it down.“

”But,“ he adds, ”if you want a place that was loud and lively, then you’ve got to accept that it’s going to be loud and lively.“

8 ”I asked for a well-done steak but this is totally blue.“

You’re on safe ground with this classic complaint. ”The first rule of complaining is to know what you want and ask for it,“ says Charles Campion. ”If you say I want this steak terribly, terribly blue. Wipe its bottom, cut off its horn and bring it here. And then it turns up overdone, then you have a proper contract between you and the restaurant. They broken it. You complain. Everyone knows where they stand.“

For restauranteur Oliver Peyton this is a no-brainer. “Yes, obviously we’d change it straightaway,” he “But I’d be thinking: why would you want your food well-done? Why cook all the flavour out of it? That’s what the staff will be thinking when you send it back to be well done. Why?”

9) “The waiter can’t answer any of my questions about this dish but it’s really important for me to know what I’m getting.”

Okay. Sometimes you really need toknow if the eggs are freedom farmed free range. Or if the asparagus is definitely Peruvian or just grown in a plastic tent down the road. Or perhaps you’ve even got a (sigh) vegan at the table. If the waiter responds to your question with a ‘Wha-?’, it can be grating.

“As soon as a waiter looks at you blankly, it’s time for action,” says Charles Campion. “Providing your question is reasonable, it is reasonable to expect him to answer it. If he cannot answer, he must know where the answer is to be found. So send him off to find someone who knows the answer. ‘Go and ask the chef, please’.

“Yes, if I no problem as long as the waiter is willing to find out and does it in a charming manner,” says Alex. “You do have a very high turnover of staff in this industry. I wish I could say that everyone’s trained as much as they shoud be. But they aren’t always. As long as they say something like “I don’t know but I’ll be back in a moment with that information” you should be happy.“

10) “The service is far too clingy.”

Is everything okay with your meal? Do you need anything else? Can I get you something else? Do you need anything else? Shall I hover around your table during the entire meal like a fly?

“Hah you should be pleased to get clingy service!” Oliver Peyton jokes. “It’s pretty rare these days. Turnaround is fast and staff are a lot more savvy about what diners want. Unless the restaurant is terribly quiet you tend to get ‘normal’ service.”

“Urg. I hate clingy service! I hate it,” says Alex Rolizzi. “Why do people have to ask 20 times during your meal if you’re having a good time? Is my plate empty? Yes? Well it probably means I’ve enjoyed it. I think once at the end of a meal is probably enough for anybody.”

Their recommendation? Be firm and state your needs. “We’re okay thanks. We’ll see you at the end of the meal.”

THE FIVE COMMANDMENTS

Good Timing Air your grievance immediately. Don’t sulk and then write a letter 3 weeks later.

Choose Your Target Take the waiter aside and ask to speak to the manager.

Delivery Remain as calm as possible, polite and reasonable. Icy politeness is the most effective response.

Don’t Expect A Free Meal The restaurant won’t tear up the bill unless your evening has been a complete disaster. Expect a free bottle of wine or comped main courses for a severe mistake. For a minor blip, coffee or deserts on the house.

Be Constructive A good restaurant really appreciates fair feedback. We’re all here to have a good time, right?

The Customer Is Not Always Right
The worst complaints our panellists have received.

Oliver Peyton: “Oh I’ve had a 3 page letter from a doctor in Finchley. He thought the coffee was amazing, but he thought we were cheating him financially and emotionally by not putting chocolate on it.”

Alex Polizzi: “Someone once complained to me that my waiter’s jackets were too clean . They could still smell the washing powder on them. I wrote back, saying I thought he was a complete loon. ”

Charles Campion: “When I was cooking, I had a customer who’d sit down down, plate of food, take the salt cellar and biff it all over the food, before tasting it. Incredible. So everyday time he came, I made things progressively saltier in the hope that one day he’d say ‘Bloody salty!’ so I could then say ‘Then you should taste it before you put salt on shouldn’t you?!” But he never did. It was a great disappointment.“